1/2 year

Gabby is ½ year old today!! 6 months since she came into the world and 5 months since she came home. She is doing so great that it’s hard to think that she was in the hospital so sick only a few months ago. We have come such a long way but I can’t help but think about all the time I spent in the hospital by her side trying to fight back tears and stay strong. I think I have gotten past the anger stage but sometimes I still feel all that hurt. Every month I go through this and I can’t help but feel that I will go through this every year she gets older as well.

I’m so thankful that the lord has blessed our family with a wonderful, silly, loveable little girl like her. The lord also blessed us with the best big brother for her in the whole wide world. He is absolutely amazing and Jimbo and I love them more than anything in the whole world.  God sure did give us a wake-up call 6 months ago and it will stay with us forever. But if we overcame this we can overcome ANYTHING! Our lil family is so strong and nothing will ever break us. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, this has been a true test of faith and I believe with all my heart that our family passed with flying colors.

HAPPY 1/2 YEAR GABBY BEAR!!!

Living

I try to live my life everyday with these things in mind...

Who cares if your house isn’t clean everyday…the dishes and laundry aren’t going anywhere, they’ll be there tomorrow.

Don’t work yourself to death...money isn’t everything and it doesn’t buy happiness. Quit trying to “have enough,” cause no one ever has enough.

Tell your kids you love them every day, all day. And add in tons of hugs and kisses.

Go on family trips; even if it’s just to the motel down the street…things like that make the best memories.

Play games with your family…it will make your heart happy.

Remember life is short so live each day like you won’t see the next.

Don’t regret anything...it’s a waste of time.

Take some time to spend with your husband/wife and remember why you fell in love…your kids will reap the rewards from this.

Don’t be sad on birthdays because you are getting older…throw a HUGE party to celebrate that you are still alive.

As long as you and your family are happy, who cares what anybody else thinks?

Living with envy is a horrible way to be, so be happy with what you have and be happy for everyone else for what they have.

Eat dessert first.

Smile as much as possible, don't waste time with frowns.

You can never have too many friends or too much love.

Keep in mind that everything happens for a reason.

Above all, always keep your faith and hope. No matter how tough your situation is.

& everything will be worth it in the end.

: (

I feel so sad today. I heard yesterday about one of Jimbo's friend's wife passing. Now I don't know her on a very personal level, just knew of her. I also don't know all the story or anything like that but I do know she died shortly after giving birth to a baby. Hearing about all this took me back.. back to all the pain and even with everything I have been through I can't imagine the pain her husband and kids are feeling. Life is so short and everything can change in just one second. Like I said I didn't reallly know this girl but it just makes me soo very sad for everyone she was close to, especially her kids. Hearing about it just makes me wanna go get my kids and husband and run away..at least for a few days. I find myself sitting here trying to remember all the things I have ever done with my family so that I don't forget. And thinking what in the world I would do if Jimbo ever had to leave me like that?? I think about all the little unimportant things we argue about from time to time and I just hate myself for it. I think about all the times I was "too busy" cleaning or working to play a board game with Gage. And today I just feel like the worse mother and wife in the world. Have I been taking everything for granted? Even after everything I've been through, have I not realized how things can change? I am a total mess today. My mind is going about one million and one miles per hour.

Fall.

Fall is upon us. School started up again, football season is starting and soon the leaves will fall. I absolutely love this time of year. The weather is more enjoyable, not so hot and not extremely cold either. The holidays start up and I adore the holidays from Halloween to Christmas.

School’s been going on for 3 weeks now and Gage started 2nd grade this year, and his first day was like all of his other first days the previous 3 years. He got dressed and put on his backpack and momma cried when she had to leave him in his classroom. And then Jimbo reminded me that I’d been through this 4 times now and he would be fine and I knew I looked so dumb because I was the mom of a 2nd grader and I was still crying. But every year reminds me of just how big he has gotten. I always reminisce, especially now that Gabby is here, about when he was a baby. He has always been very smart, funny and loveable. He is so much like his daddy that it’s scary. Sometimes I wish I could keep him little forever but I know he has to grow and I am actually excited about it. The older he gets the more experiences we have together and the closer we become. I’m excited to find out the kind of man, provider, husband and father he will be one day (NOT soon though). He has the very best role model in my husband so I know he will be wonderful.

Football season has started up and even though I am a girl I love watching football. This is Gage’s second year in flag football. Jimbo is coaching yet again and this year is serving as commissioner of our league. I love watching kids play football, well all sports for that matter. They seem to have so much fun. I also love watching my husband coach all those kids. He’s such a good coach. There are several dads and moms that volunteer to coach but not everyone is good at it. My husband is awesome at it. We have yet to have a practice so we will see how it goes this year but I bet it will be great.

Also, coming up tomorrow September 10 Gabby will be 4 months old. WOW! I still can’t believe how fast the time is going. She has grown so much. Pictures of her when she first came home almost don’t even look like her. Her turning 4 months is hard for me because for some reason 4 months seems like she isn’t a little baby anymore. I know she is still a baby but it’s just different. These milestones seem so much harder this time around and it’s probably because I know this is the last time there will be a baby in the house for quite a while.

A Look Back...

Looking back on all of this, I can't believe that I survived it. I've been told that I am "tough" several times but I'm just a mommy. I never claim to be the best mommy but I try my best to be a great one. Everything we have gone through was definitely a test of our strength and faith. It has taught us to live each day to the fullest and be thankful for it. I haven't felt any worse pain than having a baby in NICU and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

There are so many people that I want to thank. First of all, God. He has blessed our family with a tough little girl who amazes us every day and a son who is the smartest, sweetest kid I know. Without him we wouldn't be where we are today and I thank him every day for all of my blessings. All of my family and friends. Gage, you helped mommy more than you know. When I was so down you lifted my spirits and made me smile even when I didn't want to. And I love you so much. Mom, you helped so much. Especially by spending the evenings with Gabby so that I could come home to Gage. Grandma and Grandpa, son mis angeles. Gracias por todo. Siempre me ayundan cuando lo necesito y los quiero mucho. Erica, thanks for always checking on Gabby and of course as always being there for me. Even though you didn't know exactly what I was going through you still managed to give me advice and keep my hopes up. You are the best. Hope, thanks for always being around to talk on my way up to or back from the hospital. You have become such a wonderful friend to me in only a short time, and I know that you were always praying for us. To all the nurses and doctors, especially my nurse Carole and Gabby's nurse Glenda. Carole was such a big help and tried her hardest to do everything she could to make us feel better. Glenda was definitely an angel that God sent our way. She fought so hard for Gabby to go home. She even came to check on her when she wasn't her nurse. She cared so much and I am truly grateful for her. Dr Sutter the NICU doctor was great. She really cared about each and every one of the babies. My doctor, Dr Burley, she is wonderful. She was so concerned with how Gabby was doing and checked on us frequently. And last but definitely not least, I want to thank my husband. Jimbo, you were the glue that held me together. You talked sense into me when I was acting crazy, you held me when I was falling apart and you loved me no matter how hard I was to love. I would not have made it through all of this without you. You are my strength. I love you more than you know; I am still completely head over heels in love with you. No one could ever love me or take care of me like you do. I also want to say thanks to everyone who sent thoughts and prayers; you don't know how much they meant to us.

Gabby has been doing so well since all of this. We've had a few appointments with a neurologist. We are weaning her off her meds now and if all goes well we won't have to go back. She still has her apnea monitor but hopefully once we get her off one med we can work on getting her off the other medicine and the monitor. She is doing so well and at only 3 months can already roll from tummy to back! I will keep everyone updated on all of Gabby and Gage's achievements and progress. I also wanted to encourage anyone who is looking to donate to a charity to consider March of Dimes. March of Dimes helps out so many families whose babies are in NICU. And hopefully one day all babies will be born healthy. <3

Gabby's Story Part IV: The NICU and Going Home

Since I was physically ok I had to be released from the hospital. I felt so empty having to leave that hospital without my baby. This was NOT the way it was supposed to go. I was supposed to be that new mom I saw being wheeled down to her car with the baby in her arms. The drive back to Levelland that night was the absolute longest one ever. I tried to be as strong and I could and managed not to cry at all on the way home. But as soon as I walked into the house and passed that room... the one we had worked so hard to make perfect for our princess, I completely lost it. It hit me so hard I felt as though I had just been run over by a truck. I knew I couldn't stay there. There was absolutely no way I would make it staying there. So as I usually do when I need help, I called grandma & grandpa. We packed up clothes and went to stay over at their house, and I had decided in my mind that the next time I went home I would have Gabby with me.

The next month or so was a blur. All the days seem to run together and I have a hard time remembering the timeline for all the events. I would make daily trips up to NICU and spend all day with Gabby while Gage was at school. I would leave the NICU around 6 when it would "close" for shift change and spend the evenings with Gage. The NICU was a gloomy place. And even during a bright sunny day the NICU made it feel like a cloudy stormy one. Sitting by Gabby's side, usually alone because Jimbo had to return to work, made my days so long. Going to the third floor, pressing that button and giving whoever was on the other end Gabby's number, scrubbing in and putting on a yellow gown became my daily routine. I made friends with some of the other moms and it was very comforting to have people to talk to who were going through some of the same things. Having a baby in NICU makes some of the things that moms tend to dislike, enjoyable and something to look forward to. I looked forward everyday to changing diapers. Yes even the dirty ones. It was the highlight of my day, every day for one month. I loved every third day cause those were bath days. And of course I held her for as long as my arm would allow me to each and every day.

I had some religious experiences in the NICU. They helped me get through that long month and made me realize so much about life. Deacon Cavazos baptized Gabby on the third day she was in NICU. He stayed and prayed with us for a bit after and it gave me so much hope. I thank Deacon for all the thoughts and prayers he still sends our way every day. Almost every day, either on the way to Lubbock or the way back, I would hear Lee Ann Womack’s "There is a God." It seemed like it would come on when I needed to hear it the most and it usually brought me to tears. (If you haven't heard that song, you should really give it a listen it is so heartwarming) But the one day that really sticks out to me was the day that God sent me Pastor Robert. Now we're Catholic and obviously Pastor Robert is not our pastor. Actually, I didn't even know him until that day. Jimbo had mentioned to me that some of the people at work attended Church on the Rock and had asked if Pastor Robert could go see Gabby and offer prayer. Well all prayers are welcome so I agreed. Well this day was especially rough for me. I had no faith or hope left and I was mad at the world. I could not understand why God would do this to me. What had I done that I was being punished like this? After all, I had done everything right. I was a good person and there were tons of people out there that had done so many bad things and yet had healthy babies. And even though I'm sorry for it now, I was so angry with God. That day I was sitting in NICU and in walks Pastor Robert. He introduces himself and asks about Gabby's story. After I fill him in, he starts talking to me. And it was like he knew exactly what I was thinking. He told me that God didn't want my baby sick; he wanted her healthy. And that if we all prayed we could beat the devil, because if we believed in what we ask for God would give it to us. At that very moment, I knew God had sent him to me. He sent him to reassure me that everything was going to be ok and that I was not being punished. My faith went from zero to a million. I knew God was watching over Gabby. From then on I spent most my time in NICU praying and talking to God. And even during the worst month of my life I found things to thank him for.

The doctors were giving Gabby three medicines two were anti-seizure medicines and the other was to prevent apnea. The medicine made her so drowsy, so for two weeks, we didn't see Gabby's big brown eyes. She slept day and night. She didn't even wake to eat or while we changed her. Within the first week, they determined the cause of her seizures. Somehow, they still don't quite know how, she had fluid "floating" around between her brain and skull. The fluid was irritating her brain which caused her to have seizures. The doctors were very hopeful that this fluid would resolve on its own by reabsorbing back into the brain and eventually into the rest of her body, but only time and ultrasounds would tell. They were also able to take her off one of the anti-seizure medicines, and said that doing this would help her to be awake more. I went to that NICU everyday for two weeks hoping that I would get to see her eyes that day but no luck.

After the two weeks, Gabby started to wake up more. And ultrasounds showed the fluid was beginning to reabsorb. No seizures since the initial ones. We were starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Right around this time, the ban on having siblings visit NICU was lifted and Gage got to see Gabby for the first time in two weeks. Explaining to a seven year old why his sister had tubes up her nose (the feeding tube) and cords coming out her onesie and plugged into a monitor (heart rate and apnea monitor) was hard but Gage is very smart for his age and did very well with it all. He made her pictures and took her some toys. He loved her and as small as she was you could tell she loved him. She would stare at him in admiration.

The last two weeks Gabby was in NICU was basically spent trying to get her to eat more. She would eat some through the bottle but only about half of what they wanted her to eat. Mostly because she was still somewhat drowsy. This was a very maddening situation because they wanted her to eat every four hours, and the amount was different depending on which nurse was working. I talked to several nurses about letting her eat a smaller amount every three hours instead. But with the schedule they worked it seemed like we had a different nurse each day so the nurse from the day before didn't get to ask the doctor when she came around early the next morning. The doctor wasn't around all the time so I couldn't ask her directly. I was beyond frustrated to the point that I wanted to just take her out of there with or without the doctor's consent. Until the Saturday we walked into NICU and saw on Gabby's board that Glenda was her nurse. We had had Glenda as a nurse when Gabby was first in NICU and she was so sweet. Jimbo and I talked to Glenda a lot about what had been going on with Gabby the past week or so and she agreed that changing her feedings could help. I had gained some more hope until she said the doctor was on vacation until Monday. In my mind I thought "dang! We'll have another nurse by then and I'll have to convince that one that this is a good idea!" On Sunday, Glenda and I talked again about Gabby's feedings and she said she would be Gabby's nurse again on Monday and would ask the doctor first thing in the morning! We were so happy. Monday came around and when I got there, she said Dr Sutter had approved the feeding changes. She did “ok” the first day. But the next day was wonderful. I walked into the NICU (Glenda was our nurse again) and she told me Gabby had been having a great day!! She had eaten all her bottle during the two morning feedings and that she had been awake and “going” all morning. I hadn't been as happy as I was that day in so long. And just a few days later we were talking about going home!!! I know I had made a promise that I wouldn't go home until I had Gabby but hearing the news of going home had me so excited! We spent that whole day cleaning up the house and getting ready for Gabby to FINALLY be home.

June 10, 2010. The day Gabby turned one month old was also the day she was going to be discharged from NICU. She was going home wearing an apnea monitor but I didn't care, I was so happy. Grinning from ear to ear. I took her pink brown and white dress for her to wear home. When we got Gabby into the car and were on our way home, all those emotions came out in tears. They were tears from all the pain and frustration I had suffered. And at the same time they were tears of joy. My baby girl was going home; my little family would all be together. The billion pieces of my heart had all been glued back together, and I had no one else to thank but God.

Gabby's Story Part III: The Nightmare

Tuesday May 11, 2010 is a day that will haunt me for the rest of my life. Jimbo and I decided to let Gabby sleep in the nursery that night in hopes of getting a few hours of sleep before we were home alone with a new baby. I walked Gabby down to the nursery at around 10 p.m. and went back to the room. Jimbo wanted me to walk so we decided to take a stroll down the hall around eleven. About half way back to the room we were met by my wonderful nurse Carole and the nursery nurse. Then those words came out of Carole's mouth, those words that I will never forget, "the nursery nurse believes that Gabriella had a seizure, and they are moving her down to the NICU." About a million things ran through my head after hearing that. I thought maybe I was dreaming but I wasn't. I thought maybe it was someone else's baby, but it wasn't. My knees got weak and I felt as though my heart had just shattered into a million and one pieces. Tears ran down my face just like a waterfall. It took all of my strength and Jimbo's strength to get me back to my room so that we could wait for the NICU doctor to come up and talk to us. Those 10 minutes waiting seemed like 10 years but Dr. Sutter finally came up to talk to us. She said she wasn't sure what had happened and that Gabby had been moved down to the NICU and they would be watching her very closely.

We were able to go down to NICU to see our baby that night. I hated going to that floor and walking into that place; it was full of tiny little babies. Some fighting for their lives and others fighting so desperately just to go home. We walked over to #34 where they had Gabby and I totally lost it. Seeing her there made those million and one pieces of my heart each break into a million more. I felt so helpless. I just wanted to pick her up and hug her and make it better. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

We stayed a few hours and went back to the room at around 2a.m. and were met there by Carole. She was an amazing nurse. She was really supportive and caring and helped us so much during the whole ordeal. She tried to comfort me but I was inconsolable. I blamed myself, I didn't know exactly what I had done but I just knew it was my fault. What had I done? What went wrong? What was going to happen? Why was this happening to MY baby? Why?